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Co-Dependency
Oftentimes, the presence of an eating disorder is mistakenly viewed as a problem
of just the identified individual and not as a family disorder. Family members,
just like the eating disordered individual, experience pain and dysfunction as a
result of the disorder. Even with best intentions, family members often unwittingly
contribute to the practice of the eating disorder and experience dysfunction in
their own lives.
Family members of eating disordered individuals, similar to the family members of
alcoholics, are viewed as co-dependents. "Co" from Webster's dictionary means together,
with or joint. Dependent is defined as influenced, controlled, or determined by
something else. For eating disordered individuals that something else is the eating
disordered behavior. A co-dependant is someone whose life is intertwined with the
eating disordered individual. Unknowingly their attitudes and actions enable the
eating disordered individual to continue their behavior. By enabling the eating
disorder individual, co-dependents not only contribute to the dysfunction in the
eating disorder individual but also cause dysfunction in their own life. The co-dependents
along with the eating disordered individual fall into a dysfunctional pattern of
living and problem solving which is facilitated by a set of unspoken rules within
the family.
Symptoms of Co-dependency
The symptoms of co-dependency for eating disorders follows:
- Part of self-esteem is determined by the ability to not only control
oneself but also others in the face of serious adverse consequences.
- Difficulty with Boundaries, especially around the issues of intimacy
and separation.
- Others needs take precedence over one's own needs.
- Hypervigilance- feeling the need to always be on the look out
for problems.
- Depressive symptoms.
- Anxiety.
- Difficulty expressing emotions.
- Feelings of hopelessness.
Common Roles Played in a Substance Abuse Family
Similar to alcoholic families, eating disordered family members often take on certain
roles within the family system. These roles are in no way set in stone and family
members often take on different roles at different times in their life. Some of
the most common roles are as follows:
Enabler - The enabler is usually the individual emotionally closest
to the eating disordered person. They watch over, protect and conceal for the eating
disordered individual. Making marks on peanut butter jars and other food containers
to keep track of food eaten, listening in at the bathroom door, checking the trash
for food and diet aid wrappers, are some of the ways an enabler tries to keep track
of and control the eating disordered individual. Denial can also be central to the
enabler as they often deny to others and even themselves the extent and severity
of the eating disorder. Denial of the disorder to others is achieved through the
enabler concealing the effects of the eating disorder through taking on responsibilities
for the eating disordered individual. These responsibilities include work/schoolwork
duties, parenting, and household duties.
Hero - Usually the oldest child in the family takes on or is given
the role of the hero. They are often perceived as being helpful within the family
and as successful in their pursuits. Attention early in their life gives them a
partial sense of worth and they often continuously strive to achieve approval and
recognition. The hero is often the beacon of the family and represents for the family
what is right with the family. Underneath the successful and confident exterior
lies a sense of inadequacy and guilt. Part of these feelings are a result of the
hero's inability to fix the family and eating disordered individual.
Scapegoat - The scapegoat is often the second child in the family.
Since much of the family attention has been directed to the hero, the scapegoat
gains attention by acting-out and getting in trouble. Since they perceive they can
never get the praise the hero receives, negative attention is better than receiving
no attention at all.
Lost Child - The lost child is usually the middle child in the family.
By the time the lost child enters the family, the family members are too preoccupied
with their own behaviors and roles to allow for quality time. The lost child is
often shy, introverted and withdrawn. Since they never had the opportunity to learn
to socialize within the family, they find making friends difficult. To cope, the
lost child turns inward and develops a fantasy life. The lost child is particularly
vulnerable to the development of an eating disorder as they often use food to comfort
themselves.
Mascot - The mascot is usually the last one born into the family.
The way they receive attention is to be funny, cute, and entertaining. When there
is pain in the family they divert attention through making a joke or light of the
situation. The mascot finds difficulty with growing up because they have been rewarded
for their childlike behavior. Since they have not been taken seriously in the family
they often grow up feeling unimportant and inadequate.
Co-dependents who as adults become involved with an eating disordered individual
often come from an eating disorder, substance abuse or other dysfunctional family
themselves. Usually, they grew up in a family where one parent was missing. This
does not have to mean that the one parent is physically missing, but more likely
that the one parent was absent in their role as a parent. The parent may be eating
disordered, a substance abuser, suffer from an illness, grieving over the loss of
a loved one or even a single parent. In all these circumstances the co-dependent
feels abandoned, if not physically than emotionally.
The co-dependent learns early in life that there is no room for them to be a child.
By the time they enter the family there is usually so much dysfunction, that the
parents are not able to give attention to them for being a child. The co-dependent
learns that the way to receive the attention that all children need is to drop the
role of a child and take on the role of an adult. In this new role the young co-dependent
learns there is no room to show feelings. They feel that expressing feelings gets
them in trouble or ignored, at best. The young co-dependent becomes a caretaker,
almost taking on the role of the unavailable parent. They take care of the present
parent and often the other children in the house. Their goal in life becomes one
of trying to fix others. Self esteem, identity and ego are all tied into their ability
to cure others. Underlying feelings of insecurity and failure are present as a result
of not being able to control all negative situations.
As an adult control now becomes central to the individual's life. Co-dependents
feel if they can only control the disease, everything will turn out OK. Co-dependents
usually start off trying to help the eating disorder person by giving support and
trying to reward the desired behaviors. When encouragement and reward do not work,
the co-dependent changes strategies and delivers subtle threats. These threats quickly
escalate, cumulating into the ultimate threat of all, leaving the relationship.
This threat is usually withdrawn, leaving the co-dependent feeling helpless and
guilty. The investment in controlling the disease is so great because they not only
want to save their loved one but also their self-esteem is at risk.
As we have seen, co-dependency often occurs in the family of an eating disordered
individual. Its results can be as devastating to the co-dependent as to the eating
disordered individual themselves. Rader Programs understands the dysfunction the
eating disorder has caused in the family members life and has developed an effective
treatment program for the entire family.
For more information or to arrange for a free confidential consultation, call
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